Toxic Hope

Poison apple

Hope is a weird paradox. It’s something we’re told we can’t possibly survive without, yet it’s one of the things that can also kill you if you’re not careful.

I tend to be a cynic and therefore more often view it in the latter light.

Yet it’s something I’ll always go back to—sometimes stupidly so—even though I know just how hard it will kick me to the ground once I realize that that one certain glimmer of hope I’d been holding onto was just too much to believe in.

I don’t know, though. Some days, I’d like to think something good just might happen when I least expect it. Maybe I’ll consider it a good day, for reasons other than that I didn’t think about how I’m getting older every minute. Maybe I’ll get that sincere apology I never got. Maybe I’ll receive “anonymous” flowers. Maybe today I won’t need an umbrella. Maybe today I’ll wake up, happy to see the sun shine through my window. Maybe today will be the day I feel more than just “fine.”

But I know that day isn’t today. To be quite honest, I’m not sure if hope is more often my savior, or slow-killing poison disguised as a sweet medicine.

Some people think holding onto this hope is child’s play. In reality, I’d say it’s one of the hardest things not to let go of.

I find it though, in the strangest places, where I was never looking for it. Sometimes it’s a song I used to love and had forgotten about, other times it’s the preview to an upcoming movie and today it was a simple “thank you” from a middle-aged couple I held the door open for. I wouldn’t exactly say I felt happy when I experienced those things, but maybe the thought of how they might’ve changed someone’s day just slightly for the better makes me want to believe that perhaps tomorrow, someone will do that for me.

Tomorrow’s another day. Another chance for the sun to illuminate through the clouds.


2 Replies to “Toxic Hope”

  1. Faith for me has become a gray area of sorts. Through all the grief and sadness that I have been through out the years of school and life experiences that have made me question my own existence and reality, faith is an anomaly in my life. It is something that I appreciate when I see but don’t expect when life goes on. I’ve only learned to depend on myself, my family and friends to help guide me out of this abyss that I used to be in. Although I catch myself slipping back into that hole I have to always remember that things will always get better. That life will fall into place for me, that this isn’t the end but a new beginning.

    Life has a certain way of bringing out the best and the worst in someone but it’s how we look and perceive something that defines us. Most people assume the worst when it comes to a certain event but maybe there was as another reason for that. We live in a world where anything that is bad or devastating has happened and will continue to happen till the end of time. Will times ever change and the cycle of hatred that flows through human beings ever end? My mom will become sad sometimes and tear up. I will begin to question in my mind why do you cry for this? She is always outgoing, fun, and free spirited. Yet there is a side to her that is very emotional. I can be emotional but I like to express it in dialogue. Very rarely will I shed a tear for someone unless it really hits home for me.

    Thank you for sharing you feelings I have my own journal/ diary that I write but this really is amazing to read. Please keep posting more.

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